A Sweet Rebuke

"speaking the truth in love" Ephesians 4.15

In the Family service yesterday, I found it a real challenge when the preacher asked the question that God's word raised, "How good am I at being told off" - and I was the one preaching! In preparation for the sermon it struck me powerfully how appropriate it was that we were looking at this as part of a Family Service. I realised that I was much better at being told off, or set right when I was a child - I expected and accepted rebuke. I understood that that was part of learning. Now that I am an adult, I handle it much less well.

At the service I also promised that I would blog about the other side of rebuke. How do I know when and how to rebuke others. This is a bit of a mine field - most of us probably avoid rebuking, thinking that that is the more loving thing to do. Others of us will be too ready to rebuke and often inappropriately. How can we get this vital thing right?

As ever, God points the way in his word. Perhaps the most helpful place to look is the verse from Ephesians above. From it, I think that we can develop good questions to ask as we consider giving a rebuke:

1. Is it true? Do I know the whole picture, or am I only responding to part of the story? There are too many times when I have been so incensed that I have said something without checking the full facts. As my father used to joke when I was being particularly strident, "don't let the facts get in the way of a good argument!" As important, am I rebuking with truth? Can the person recognise Jesus in the rebuke?
2. Is it humble? Jesus talks about the person who rebukes wrongly in Matthew 7.3. He compares them to the one who points out the speck in someone else's eye without noticing the plank in their own. I find this quite alarming as there is most of a log cabin in my own eye. There is always a danger, when I rebuke someone else, that I am in fact meeting a need of my own, rather than their need. I am trying to feel better about myself by pointing out the mistakes of others. So how can I ever rebuke? At the very least it will make me humble about my rebuke. If my rebuke leaves someone else with the impression that I am better than they are, then the rebuke has failed. So I must consider, how can I so word the rebuke that it is clear to the person that I am a forgiven sinner in need of rebuke myself. A key test before we rebuke someone else is this: when was the last time I responded positively to someone else's rebuke of me? If the answer is: "I cannot remember," then we need to think first about spending time doing some carpentry on ourselves before we take up eye surgery on others.
3. Is it loving? Paul writes to us that we are to speak the truth in love. So good questions to ask include: Do I have a relationship of encouragement with that person? Do they value me as someone who blesses them with my speech? Is my hope that God will build them up through this? Is my goal that they should grow up into Christ? Am I doing this rebuke in the best possible way? Am I being gentle in how I rebuke, after all Jesus made sure that he would not break a bruised reed or snuff out a smouldering wick? Conversely, can I not give the rebuke and still be truly loving to that person - earnestly seeking their blessing? If the answer to any of these questions is No, then now is not the time to give a rebuke.

It is a daunting challenge, but the goal is glorious - so that we, "are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ". What a thought.